berserk

she no longer care
her heart is now square
sharp edges now there
require no pair

she feels it's unfair
refusing to despair
becoming aware
of why she is rare

the heart once that care
she hides it she swear
before the last glare
of empty space for pair

Time Flies

Assalamualaikum and hello :D

I am finally done with my degree years and for that, I would like to thank everyone whom without, today will never happen. So, what did I managed to pick up within this 3 years besides the food (well, it's Penang anyways) and a degree?

I've learnt that human beings are different in so many ways. I used to have only girlfriends during high school, smart ass during matrix year and I myself think that I am way too serious when it comes to studies and work. I've never seen a group of human beings that are too cool for school and multi- talented. I was a science stream student and changing to art stream has widen my view about how different people are and yeap, I kind of tried a little hard to fit in at first but these people, they're just too awesome and awesome isn't the best word to describe them.

I have 2 ladies in my class. What's so special about them is that they're my dad's age. One is 63 and the other is a bit younger. I am very close with one of them that every time we hang out, she will introduce me and my other 2 friends as her daughters (tho we always get that wth looks) What impress me the most is her struggles and efforts are way more than myself and I am only 22. She hardly skip her classes without proper and solid reasons (read: funerals and emergency family matters). Point here is, knowledge knows no boundaries. I just hope that I'll finish my education with the highest achievement regardless my age. Even if it takes my 70 y.o self.

Make friends with everyone. Doesn't really matter how many people that you're close with but make friends with everyone. Be universal. Well, different people might have different ways of viewing things and I think by just going with the flow and be neutral, you will definitely survive later in life. I'm glad that my course does not consist only people my age but they're technically ranging from early 20s to late 20s and we even have 60ish y.o classmates and all of us can blend in well. It is hard at first. Back in my first year, I am so damn (idk how to put it in proper words) scared? to talk to them because most of them are even older than me by 3-4 years and can't believe that we blend in well together.

Faith. I find myself lost at times. Have the fun all you want, stay up all night and hang out at random places with random people. Fly up to the highest cloud and live your wildest dream. Yet if you still, feel empty and lost. Sad and don't feel belong. You know what you should do. I had my moments and Alhamdulillah, I've found mine. You fight the battle alone and sometimes you don't have anyone to save you when you drown. Hold yourself together and pick up all the shattered pieces of your life and strive for a better life. Insya Allah, it will be if He says be.

You can't summarize your 3 years in only a post can you? I had fun with fun people. Words can never be enough to thank these human beings that happen to bring colors to my life canvas. We might not talk to each other everyday, we might not work in any project or assignment together, we might never hang out together, I may not know your favorite color but just so you know, I'm glad that our path crossed. I wish you well in life and good luck in the future endeavours.

Hope

How's life treating you?

Bad.

How bad it is?

Badder than bad.

Care to define badder than bad? 

It feels like I've died a thousand deaths.

Must be painful?

Mentally, Physically, Emotionally :(

Are you okay?

Stop asking me whether I'm okay/fine. No I'm not okay. No one would understand what I've been through. I've been through hell. I see deaths but i can do nothing. I had sleepless nights and I dream of bad dreams more than I dreamed of sweet dreams. My whole body aches. Rough days, tough days. Which part of these sounds okay? 

I'm sorry. Sick?

If only this sickness can be cured. One can only hope. 

I'll be there for you.

You will. You keep me alive even when I don't feel like living.  When all the plans that I made seems ridiculous at this point of my life. When I have to give up my dreams for the things that's happening. When I wanted to give up my life. You smack me hard. Because I belong to HIM. It's written up there that whatever I'm going through is going to bring me closer to  HIM. That he loves me more that he wants to listen to my prayers more often than I did. You will be there for me because I am you. 

True that I gotta fight this alone. It's my body and my soul. Everyone can be there but it is my battle to fight. Gotta stay strong didn't I? 

Yes, I'm hurt

Since I have 7 days gap till my next paper, here goes another post! Believe it or not, as a human being  we never failed to live up to everyone's expectation.

Never failed to prove that we are always right and they are always wrong. 

Never failed to observe and to judge.

Never failed to hurt and to be hurt.

Never failed to look down on others and

Of course never failed to fail ourselves.

So, what are words?

I'm making it extremely simple. Thoughts that you decide to share with your audience. Be it text or talk. 

True enough that words are more powerful than the sword itself. Logically, you never know whether you've hurt someone or not by your words because the wound that you caused technically, they're invisible. You never know unless you purposely blurt out your words to hurt your audience or the specific someone told you so. But hey, it will never be like

 'Dude, your words hurt me damn it'

And of course, s/he won't expect 

'oh really? sorry man'

comes from you really.

Here goes few kind of people that you might think is okay to be like and normal to be like.What's not normal about it is how they keep the conversation going by being them. Well, this may only works for me. I'm not sure bout others but hey, I believe that more or less it works for almost all of us ey? 

1) the know it all

you should keep your knowledge to yourself and chew 'em up. Didn't you were taught to respect others by not simply interrupt others' speech? Well, it is never wrong to know everything but come on. Have some chill pill. You may know a lot of things but it is never a sin to keep them to yourself and let others share theirs? After all, you've been dealing with books and facts most of the time (judging by the amount of general knowledge that you have), it's time to make  some friends. Chill okay?

2) dominant

well, there are some people that thought they are the ones that should control the conversation. Uh-oh, you're doing it wrong. It is not an alien situation whereby these kind of people tend to downgrade others just to make them feel dominant and yeah, always the one that everyone will look up for. 

3) the f*** s*** dam* it 

cool and not cool. Kind of normal but not too much please. Depends on the audience. 

I can no longer think. Okay. Put it this way, there are many reasons to always filter your words before you blurt them out regardless the situation that you're in. Think before you talk. What would you feel if wtv that you said are the ones that you received? sad? angry? damn it  these people deserve a hard smack on their face? 

in the end... you know what will happen. You'll give your poker face and swallow those shit in. Can't say a word bout it because they're your friends, and some even strangers. That's not really the real reason. The ones who said nothing are mostly the ones who respect you as a human being with a tiny flesh that is known as heart and of course they want to keep wtv relationship that you have longer. One more thing, they're matured enough to not to ruin things by saying so. By saying 'YES, YOU F*UCKING HURT MY FEELINGS'

Life is damn simple and damn easy. Do things that you want others do to you. Treat others the way you want to be treated. And of course, I myself is not perfect. I speak words that might not be decent for others to hear but never in my intention to use words that I know may leave you mad at me. Truth be told, the ones that you think have the coldest expression, the heartless heart, the loudest laugh, they're the ones that care too much and hurt the most. Think twice before you speak. As wise words speak ' do unto others as others unto you'.

p/s: I'm not really aware of what I've wrote. Pardon me for this anger has taken over my real self. 

Finale!

It is Thirty First December 2013!

Last day of the year and of course, the ultimate ritual strikes again. The new year resolutions! But trust me, I'm not sure what should I wish for because I'm currently ahead of my own schedule. hehe. 2013 has been so good to me with extremely unexpected achievements, chances and opportunities. Alhamdulillah and I'm so blessed with everything HE had given to me. 

Anyways, there will be no new year resolutions for 2014 I guess. Simply because I just need a break. All you need from a rough and hard but at the same time awesome 3 years is just a break because I will finally be finishing my degree life Insya Allah around June 2014 :D happy? of course I am! It is going to be my first time wearing the robe! and also the bouquet :D 

Believe it or not, my new year resolutions will always be about gaining weight and losing pimples. It really is a big deal tho. Oh well, not anymore I guess. That's cause I can finally accept the fact that I can never be more than 50kg and I can never be flawless. There goes ' If you can't accept my at my worst, you simply don't deserve me at my best' . It is true somehow but  seriously? 90% of the way I accept it is actually to calm my own tits. Nonetheless, insecure is never in my life dictionary. lol. 

And 2013 too taught me to let go of something that is not mine. Not mine to keep, not mine to be with. The decision that I made, the hardest. Thanks to you, now that I am much much better, stronger, and even mature than before. The hardest decision to not to look back but yet, the decision that I will never regret.  Again, thank you.

Now that I am in my comfort zone, let's just wait and see what 2014 can offer me :) Till then, I have notes to study. Adios :D

Changes

Halluuu :)

Okay, Assalamualaikum.

Whaddup yo! judging by the views that I get, I believe I have my own audience. Anyhoo, it has been a long time since the last time I crap here. So here it goes.

I'm quite occupied with a lot of things these days, but there is one thing that keeps on bugging me and I believe that each of us once had this kind of feelings. Or probably now? Or soon. It depends. Well, I'm not the right person to talk about this judging by how do I dress up, how do I treat my guy friends, how I handle my daily conversation with my usual clan, the way I spoke to my parents and the list goes on...

It is a lie to say that the urge to improve myself, ourselves to become a better person never appear. It knocks on our face, our heart and even our ass real hard that you feel like crying your heart out just because you wanted to but you can't. WHY? changes is never easy. NEVER. 

Yes. True that tomorrow is never a promise. What if death comes before you cover yourself properly? What if death comes before you even say sorry? sorry to others for the words that might hurt, sorry to yourself for never to give the chance being someone new. Regret is no longer the issue. It's the chances that knocked on your door but you're afraid/scared/not ready to grab.

Yes. I don't have the right to say that you can't judge me and accept me for who I am because this is me. Honestly, that's bullsh*t. It doesn't work that way. I just feel like in order to change, it should start from the inside itself. Now tell me one thing, does it really matter to portray what you are physically for people to judge you? I doubt that. 

Changes is never easy. Just because some people hide their good deeds and they only show the dark side of them, they are free to be judged and to be labelled as black sheep. Struggling hard to complete the 5 times a day is a change. From reading only quran to translation is a change. Trying hard to properly cover herself is a change even if she failed. Reducing the daily bad words is a change. You never know how hard we tried. You were in our shoes. You never like to be judged. You never like to be punished. How do you expect others to accept the same thing that you once hated or perhaps still hate then? 

AGAIN, TO CHANGE IS NEVER EASY. 

It's going to take every single strength that we have, every tears that  we are willing to shed for the past that we once had and we regret, because we never knew what we wanted back then. we were lost. It's just that some of us are lucky enough to find their way back home and leave the others behind.

So, to my other friends. Never worry. Your time, our time will come. Slowly yet surely we're gonna make it. Changes is never easy but that's what life is about. Perhaps we are not blessed with 'holy' kind of friends surrounding us daily but always remember that anyone can love a rose but it takes a lot to love a leaf. It's ordinary to love the beautiful, but it is beautiful to love the ordinary. Chin up. Because to change is never easy. 

Mother

For every words I caused you to cry
For every tale that's never a lie
Never to sin
Always to pry
She comes with love
Forever to electrify.